To Know or Not to Know

There are people who want to know stuff. They stick their hands in a beehive. They study what a sting looks like. They are curious. They ask questions. They poke – not their noses – their brains in affairs that concern them. They sniff for signs. They probe.

They value feedback and seek it as often as they possibly can.

They don’t like to be in the dark. They aren’t comfortable in grey areas. They are at ease when things are either black or white, orange or blue. They like the order that traffic lights usually bring. Everyone has a turn to stop at red, wait at yellow and proceed at green. 

These people like the stability of predictability. No, it doesn’t mean they aren’t flexible. They can be elastic and bend like a pretzel but they prefer to be in situations where they know what is happening.

I think I’m becoming that person. I cluster things into categories. It’s either working or it isn’t. I either have something or I don’t. I’m either getting better or I’m not. It’s either a pass or a fail.

I define what progress is and what being stagnant looks like. I have no smokescreens. I don’t seem to have in-betweens anymore. Is this what 30 is doing to me? I used to be fluid, didn’t plan much, didn’t think hard about what I wanted or why I wanted some things. I’d let things happen whenever they wanted.

At 30, I’m more structured. I have a justification for each decision I make. There is some thinking behind everything I do. In my 20’s, there were times I jumped blindly into situations with the hope it would turn out well. When it didn’t go my way, I’d be shattered, broken.

It’s different now. I run quick best case-worst case scenarios at the back of my mind. These keep my expectations in check. My focus is narrower, my personal goals defined. Yet I still use words like Perhaps, Maybe, Possibly. There is safety in those words.

I like the peace of mind that comes with clarity. That’s why I did the Covid-19 test last week.

I made a voluntary appointment, signed the consent and data protection forms. I sat on the sample collection chair, tilted my head backwards and opened my mouth. The last time anyone asked me to open my mouth that wide was at Mawano Dental Clinic.

The dentist drilled through my tooth. He killed that tooth. Three visits later, I completed the root canal procedure. That didn’t stop me from eating chocolates. 

The sample collector inserted a swab in my gut. That felt like floss getting to the back of my tongue. He dipped another swab in my nostrils. I didn’t see what he was doing because my eyes were closed. I felt a sneeze coming. I got a runny nose. 

I did the Covid-19 test because I wanted to know. If the results turned out positive, I would’ve known what to do. I knew I would become a statistic. My company would keep a record, my boss would be informed and the Health Ministry would get to know.

Knowing allows you to make a decision with valid reasons. Knowing helps you define what direction to take. Knowing is light. 

I’m okay knowing what my future looks like. I’d be okay knowing when I’ll say adios to this life. If it’s ever in my control, I already have a song that I’d like to play on my deathbed. Is this too much? Am I being extra? Hehehe. It’s a song from the 60’s.

I dread uncertainty. It makes me cold and afraid. Uncertainty bites me in the ass. It’s unsettling. I’d rather know than not know.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, if you’re able to do the Covid-19 test, go ahead. Do it. There is only one of two ways the results will go.