Dating After Funeral – By Animas

So, after the Dutch/American architect cheap yahoo boy, I decided not to give up and kept hoping to meet my virtual charming prince riding one of the matchmaker Apps.

Mission accomplished, again with no success.

The journey was the way any outstanding surgeon would say, “The surgery was successful, but the patient did not survive.’’ It was the same with my dating life.

Swiping left and right was like one of the electronic slot machines in casinos. Russian Roulette.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy my solitude and my freedom more than anything. l do not mind being single but l like meeting people. l have this genuine interest to get to know them, to know their story. l have nothing to lose except hope.

As Aristotle said: “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.’’

I will not deny the fact that l miss doing things in two, that l would like to find someone who would make me laugh, who would put up with my insanity but l lost my patience. l started being allergic to selfish people, people who cannot empathize with other deux pieds. I feel like nurse Harding from Ken Kesey’s novel, “I guess if she can’t cut below the belt she’ll do it above the eyes.” The wisdom of McMurphy speaking to the other patients in the looney bin, “Man, when you lose your laugh, you lose your footing.”

I started exploring. l am not sure what love is between two social animals. I am still trying to discover it but l adore being in love. l love the tantrums, the games two lovers play on each other. The last thought before you fell asleep, the hunting games, the flattering and flirting games, the discovery games, pushing boundaries but the game can go wrong, especially when we speak about limits to get to know the other person.

To some extent a lot of people, either if I dated them, been with them or are just friends told me that they fear me. I have decided to take the statement as a compliment. I also know that whenever I asked my friends what I should change about myslef, they keep telling me to improve my diplomatic skills and not be so emotional. I am trying. I really am but I can’t. Whenever I try, I fail. So I assume a political career would never suit me. No matter how much I try hiding my feelings, the face mimic deceives me as my eyes do too, but it’s still on my bucket list to work on.

Maybe one day when I grow up.

I will name the guys l dated by their first letter and l will describe some of the stories or dialogues between them and I.

First guy. A. A generalist surgeon, great sense of humor but with a huge flaw: Married with a child. I didn’t know from the beginning. So he tried to hide it until he told me. Thank you, but no go.

Second guy. A small ‘’businessman’’ living two hours away from my town. We decided to meet.

Divorced, hilarious so I decided to date him again. Second date was a disaster.

C: So, what are your expectations?

Me: I don’t know to be honest. It will be nice to find someone but I have no idea what I want. I would like to take it slow.

C: Started telling me the story of his divorce. Not that l had asked for it but slowly his percentage was getting lower and lower.  I was just listening and thinking what the hell was in my mind, dating him again. At a point l wasn’t hearing anything from what he was saying until out of the blue he said his sexual expectations are high. Amazing how can a single word, in this sentence ‘’sex’’ can capture my attention.

Me: Just to make things clear, l told him what I am not into. I was losing it and becoming a little aggressive. I told myself; Run, Forrest, Run!

C: Well, I want everything from my women. He described the kind of things he wanted in bed, something I was not comfortable with.

Me: I didn’t know l was your woman. Thanks, but no thanks.

C: Have you ever tried it? (Referring to what he wanted.)

Me: No and I am not interested either.

C: Well how can you say no to something if you never tried it?

I took a deep breath, tried to keep my calm and just looked at him.

Me: Listen, I am not into that. Just accept it.

C: Well if you are not into it, I will date other women.

Me: Well be my guest. We are not together. I said some obscenities, shoved some nasty words in his backside and watched him cringe.

C: Speechless.

Me: I want to go home and it is pointless to be in touch. I will not change my mind. Your demand is stupid. This conversation should not have taken place and I am not interested in you at all. Sex is not a taboo subject to me, but it needs to come naturally and not by being demanded. It must be mutually agreed.

C: I am not gay.

Me: I don’t care what you are. I know for sure l don’t want to see you.

I called a friend, Midget. I was furious and amused at how the conversation went.

Time flew by. I was still messing around. Third guy in the row. Mr. M.

Before meeting him, Mr. M. described himself as a pilot. When we met, I discovered he is a flight dispatcher. I didn’t mind. My mind set wasn’t to find the love of my life. It was simply dating and see where it leads…

Hot summer day, 32 degrees Celsius outside. He’s wearing a turtleneck sweater, a jacket and winter boots. I wore a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Pretty casual and still trying to cope with the heat. We met and he tried to kiss me. l was fast enough to avoid that.

I was irritated by his approach, but l didn’t say much. l guess l was speechless since l hadn’t seen it coming. We found a brewery nearby. We ordered beers and food.

This guy…oh this guy…Mr. M. This guy was for sure an egocentric maniac.

Are you familiar with the expression: The Heaven’s Gates are open, but many jump the fence?

So, he was having a Q & A monologue. The worst part was yet to come.

Mr. M: So, l am not working as a pilot due to Corona, but l am a flight dispatcher.

Me: What does that exactly mean? (Trying to be polite and try to have a conversation instead or monologues)

Mr. M: Oh, that’s too complicated to explain.

Me: Okay. (I did not insist because I had figured out by then that he is a pathological liar.)

Our food is brought. l ordered a schnitzel. He got a hamburger.

Mr. M: Do you mind if l eat my hamburger without cutlery?

Me: No, please go ahead. I would find it weird if you used cutlery. (Meanwhile l was thinking, he seems to be well raised. He has manners.)

Mr. M started chatting with his mouth full. Food spilling out of his mouth. I never knew l had misophonia (the unreasonable emotions that well up inside us when we hear certain repetitive noises being produced.) On a date in this case. I was speechless. As you can imagine, l have barely touched my food. l didn’t even get to eat a quarter of my so desired schnitzel. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t ignore the noise. I excused myself, went to the bathroom, called Midget and asked her to call me back in half an hour. She kept insisting what the issue was. She knew I was on a date and just laughing, she figured it was a disaster.

That half an hour seemed to be an eternity. Midget called after 45 minutes to punish me more.

Mr. M: You keep staring at your phone? Are you expecting a call? Do you have to be somewhere?

Me: Well, the supermarket is open until 10 PM. l need to go and buy some baking products. Tomorrow is my best friend’s birthday and l want to surprise him with his favorite cake. (It was a white lie, Poison birthday was the next day, cake was already baked waiting in the fridge). So l need to rush because I would not have time to bake it tomorrow morning and some ingredients are missing.

Mr. M: Can I come to the party?

Me: You wouldn’t feel comfortable and l don’t think it is the case. Plus, it is not my birthday, and we need to respect the rules with social distancing. Not more than 10 people. (Which was partially true, was Poison birthday, but I highly doubt if I invited him they would be against it.)

Mr. M suddenly started telling me about his ex-girlfriend. According to him, she cheated. Then he started showing some scars on his hand/fist, to prove to me again the level of maturity and his macho side.

I was stunned and thinking wow good advert buddy. l don’t ever want to see you.

He kept going on and on. l was getting tired of hearing all his drama and bullshit, which l’d already forgotten most of.

I left.                                                                                 

He texts me the next day telling me he is off next week and if l would like to hang out with him, he can come to my house.

Me: I am really sorry but l don’t think anything will happen between us. You are a cool guy but l am not interested. (I wanted to say more but l didn’t want to be mean or hurt his feelings.)

Mr. M: We can hang out as friends and you can decide later if you want something more with me. But l am letting you know this now. l am an Alpha Male and we can be friends with benefits if you don’t wanna be in a relationship!

Me: Hell, NO! I don’t want to date a chewing/throwing camel projecting out the contents of their stomach, in this case, the food out of his mouth. As every decent Christian girl with a fear of God would do, I went to my Whatsdown settings->view contact-> block! Call log, same thing!

I will not be a hypocrite. I don’t have blue blood running into my veins but I do know how to behave and control myself (Schlafpartner can confirm that.) 

As everyone else, I do have physiological necessities. I do eat with my hands which is also a cultural thing to me, but when I am in a public place, especially with people I do not know, I will never do it. Worse case if l want to answer and my mouth is full, l will either speak after swallowing or cover my mouth. Common sense l guess.

Forth date. S. That’s another ‘’endangered specimen.’’

We meet, go for lunch, two days in a row, constantly over the phone, messages. The guy was smart. He had a job in the same industry as l do. Everything surprisingly went very well. l enjoyed his company. He was funny, witty, good looking, amazing black curly hair, into art and sports, same taste in music, movies and books. He was a painter too.

The weekend was coming and he already had plans , which was okay with me. I did not mind. He didn’t expect us to mingle that well but he wanted us to meet on Sunday.

Sunday came. l was so excited to see him. I even invited him to my place by offering to cook for us, thinking that he will be around 7 PM at my house, most probably tired, so let’s chill.

(Ernest, this happened a day before we went to l’Osteria, when I kept smirking.)

He arrived, we had dinner, we started messing around and well, nothing further happened. l wanted to get to know him first. He respected that, at least that’s what l thought until.

S: What are you expecting from a relationship?

Me: First, respect, trust and no stupid idiotic jealousy. Most of my friends are male and no need to ask, but l am letting you know, there is nothing sexual between us. They are my anchor, my family and l would not allow anyone to say anything about them. That’s a no go for me.

S: Fair enough.

Me: I don’t want to get married and l don’t want to have children.

S: Maybe not now, but who knows?

Me: If l wanted that, it would have happened. l don’t believe in a stupid certificate. l am too old to have a child (I am 39) so there are huge medical risks. Financially l don’t feel ready. Neither mentally. l care too much about my freedom of movement. When you have a child, everything changes. Your world turns upside down, especially for a woman.

S: I just wanted to be sure, because l don’t want children either.

Me: What do you want from a relationship?

S: Don’t ask to meet my family.

Me: Your wife? and l started laughing.

S: My parents or my brother.

Me: Isn’t that too soon? I want to get to know you first. l don’t care about your parents or brother. If it happens, then okay. If it doesn’t, l don’t care. In fact, whenever l introduced someone to my parents, it never happened soon mainly because l always felt embarrassed of doing it, not ashamed of the person l dated but this would happen only if we are already for years together and l cannot hide.

S: Me, my brother and a group of friends on Christmas and on New Year’s Eve go on a ski trip. It is like a tradition.

Me: Well if we are together, l would like to be with you.

S: That’s a no go to me. I don’t want to mix my personal life.

Me: What do you mean by personal life? If we are together and dating, l am a part of your personal life too.

S: Yes, but l still don’t want you to meet my friends, my brother or my family.

M: I can see your point with your parents, but l don’t see the point with your friends or brother unless you are hiding something. But we can see that later.

S: Yeah will see but l know myself and it won’t happen. Just accept it.

He was frustrated. l was just sitting across him and l didn’t know what to ask. I was just quiet and thinking to myself, couldn’t you find a weirder person to like?

It was around 11 PM and I said l needed to sleep since l was working the next day. In fact, l was seeing red flags and l wanted him out of my house.

Suddenly…

S: Are you seeing someone else?

Me: Do I have to? Are you seeing someone else?

S: No. But would you like to meet other people?

Me: Why not, it is free of choice.

S: So you want to see other people…

Me: To be honest I didn’t, but after this conversation I am considering it.

S: Why?

Me: I don’t want apartheid rules in a relationship. I find it stupid and those days are long gone.

S: I would like you to try this restaurant in Frankfurt. It has amazing food. We can go tomorrow.

Me: Yes, let’s see what time I finish work.

Next day, early in the morning I receive a message from him saying…and here is the transcript:

S: You are amazing but I doubt that things between us will get to be more. We are too different but I would like to keep you as a friend.  And by the way, you scare me.

Me: Cut the crap and just say it…You wanted to sleep with me. I didn’t want. End of story. Why do we have to complicate stuff?

S: Do you think that’s what l wanted? You are wrong! If I wanted that, we wouldn’t have dated for so long and if I insisted, it would have happened.

Me: Three days is “so long”? WTF is wrong with you? Remember, being with someone is a two way street and so is respect!

S: I think it is better to stop talking.

Me: I don’t think l approached you. I want someone who wants to spend time also when he is surrounded by his friends. In my opinion, l think you either have a wife or you are in a relationship and looking for some fun. If it works, fine. If it doesn’t, next. Well, guess what? Next applies to me as well.

S: You are mean!

Me: I am honest. Bye.

After those texts, one of my good friends texted me asking how it went. We had a call and we both laughed about it.

Well, what can l say? Another experience and something to laugh about. I was so proud of myself, proud that I didn’t swallow his nonsense. Proud that l didn’t sleep with him. Not that I am a virgin. I was simply proud that my instincts have not betrayed me. It is like a book. Never judge it by its cover.

Image credit: Animas