As I mentioned to you, I will nickname my ex, Decedent, also known for six years as the love of my life.
I choose the name Decedent as a form of revenge, out of anger and pain that he caused me when he decided out of the blue to break up with me.
Some might say, “Oh, that’s bad! Why should she seek revenge? You should think positive. It was not meant to be. You should focus on other things, you should read self-development books. You’re angry, bargaining, depressed and the last step is to accept by letting it go. You should let it go! You should…you should…”
Well, allow me to tell you something! F**K that bullshit! The four steps do not work! The only thing we shall all do in this life is die. The rest are options. Death is a matter of time and how, we can’t avoid it! I do not agree with this expression “You can’t avoid death and taxes.” Taxes can be avoided if you have a good accountant.
In the background I am listening to Leonard Cohen song – In my secret life.
This song taps my deepest thoughts, lays them bare and reminds me just who you are beneath the civilized veneer with a taint of darkness.
Revenge, yeah, I know revenge is a stupid person’s weapon. Might be, I cannot argue about it. But guess what? The taste is bittersweet!
My way of revenge has nothing to do with physical harm, although I admit, I have killed him and cracked his head in two, over and over in my thoughts. Ally Mcbeal was pistol with water compared to how my imagination was playing games with me. I still feel the urge to harm him, as much as he harmed me, make him feel the same incommensurable pain as l did.
I had close friends asking me if l want him back into my life. No! It took me a while to realize that. To be precise even now when I look back. You might wonder why? I lost the trust in him which to me is worse than cheating or killing!
As every story has two sides of it. Here is mine.
Christmas was knocking at the door and finally I convinced him to be with just the two of us. We decided that I would travel to South Africa to visit him at the end of the year. I was excited. I am an avid traveler. Mutually we made plans …safari, sightseeing tours. I was over the clouds with this trip, jumping around like a yo-yo!
I made a doctor’s appointment for the required vaccines to enter the country. I booked my flight to Berlin for the visa application. Every single detail was on track. I tried to call him to update him so we could start the process of booking my plane ticket to South Africa. No answer.
Deep inside I knew something was wrong but l refused to believe it. l refused to acknowledge it. I thought okay…he is busy, and he will call me back. As much as l don’t like to admit, l lied to myself. He did, after couple of days…and that’s how our dialogue went.
Za Decedent: Hey
Me: Hey, what’s going on?
Za Decedent: Well I thought better and I want us to break up! I see no point for you to come over. l have made up my mind!
Me: I beg your pardon? Are you joking?
Za Decedent: NO!
Za Decedent: We have nothing in common. I don’t see the point of continuing it.
Me: What do you mean we have nothing in common?
Za Decedent: You don’t like computer games. You don’t like sports and we have nothing in common. But you are a very important person in my life, and you will always be, but we cannot function as a couple.
Me (already crying): WTF are you talking about? You needed six years to realize that? So, who is she?
Za Decedent: I haven’t met anyone else.
Me: Well let me tell you this. You do not craft, you do not paint but it did not bother me to throw over the window the years we have been together by a phone call. So, who is she?
Za Decedent: I am sorry to do it over the phone but I have been having this thought for a long time. You are a wonderful person. I am aware that no one will make me as happy as you did and accept me as you did. Over the time spent together I have realized that you have loved me unconditionally, and I feel guilty. In fact not even my parents tolerated and compromised the things you have. You have done so many sacrifices. I love you, but I don’t think we should continue. You deserve a better person to be with. I don’t deserve you. There is no one.
Me: Do you know how this sounds to me? You’re too good for me! What the f**k. It took you six years to realize that I don’t do sports and l don’t play computer games? Am I important to you? Are you sure? I don’t believe you! (I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Computer games and sports were playing over and over in my head).
Za Decedent: I don’t know if it is the best decision. I am sure one day I will regret it. I am aware of that. It isn’t easy for me either but I had time to process it.
Me: Well, you know what? You have no cojones (balls)! At least you could have had the decency to wait and say that to my face instead of saying it over the phone! In a couple of weeks you were coming home. Is this the way to show how much respect you have for me?
Za Decedent: I am sorry. But l am really hoping to stay friends. You are one of the most important people in my life and I would like us to be in touch.
Me: What for? What’s the point? Do you think I will be able to see you just as a friend? What’s wrong with you?
Za Decedent: Well not now, but maybe one day…I am hoping that we will.
Me: Spare me, would you? We will not stay friends. I cannot see you as a friend. I will never be able to see you just as a friend and guess what? I don’t want to attend your wedding as a friend! Next time when you’ll see me will be at your funeral…and not even then, because you are dead, dead to me!
After za fateful call, l just took a deep breath and despite the pain I started laughing and the words “you don’t play computer games and you don’t like sports” left me speechless.
I must admit it was original to use this line to break up with someone. I give him the credit.
Days went by and my heart was full of anger and disappointment and not with him, with myself. It was free fall without a parachute. I lost my balance. The person I trusted blindly killed my spirit.
Next day, I crawled into my bed. My entire body hurt, especially my heart. l sobbed and looked in vain, staring at walls and wondering why I did not see it coming? There were plenty of signs and red flags. Why did I ignore and lie to myself that things were okay, that we were okay, that we were happy? As much as I don’t like to admit, I was not happy, I wanted something else…and I hoped, I hoped that he would realize and change. I thought I would spend the rest of my days with him, especially because he had asked twice to marry me and gave me an ultimatum in 2018 that if we don’t tie the knot in 2020, we would split. I remember making a joke about it by saying: “Oh, goodie, I still have two years to decide.” Bullshit! All was gone because l wasn’t playing computer games and was not into sports…WTF???
My old buddy Depression was conquering me along with panic attacks and insomnia. I started pushing myself out of bed because I was aware, I was aware that I was spinning, day by day, getting worse. I started to force myself to go out, to go to work and hide my tears in the bathrooms. I was done! I needed help! As much as I wanted to self-isolate I tried to avoid it…baby steps.
My friends knew I was dying inside. Poison knew, Schlafpartner knew and the Third Wheel too…They constantly checked on me, especially Poison, my dear Poison. On a Saturday morning I asked them to come to my place. They showed up at my door one by one. I was a mess. I cried and they listened to me. The three of them were as shocked as I was. We watched a movie and we started making plans on what needeed to be done and how they could help me.
They left and I went back into the dark world, crying again, listening to music, smoking “medically self-prescribed” grass and listening to Lucinda Williams – Changed the locks, Lady Gaga – Shallow and Beth Heart- I’d rather go blind (one of the best Etta James covers.)
Months passed by and l was still thinking about za Decedent with anger, compassion, bitterness, love, hate, sorrow, sadness but as Freddy said, The show must go on or it’s like Cocteau said: “A poem is never finished, it’s only abandoned’’ and that’s the way it goes when it is about love matters.
Lesson learned: An adult would never change as much as you hoped for. Never ignore the red flags by blindfolding yourself in something thinking that it does not exist from both sides. Don’t waste my time and neither should you waste yours. I would rather be single and miserable than be with someone and feel alone.
Photocredit: Painting by Animas. She is a painter too. If you would to order a painting for yourself, reach out.